"Humanly speaking, it is impossible..."

I've recently felt inspired and challenged to blog by the lovely Keeley Miller (http://keeleymiller.wordpress.com/). If you haven't checked her blog out, you definitely should! She's pretty much awesome. Anyways, I coming to truly love how God teaches us things, even if it's extremely hard. I've really been struggling with justice and mercy, and how God marries them together,  and a few other things.

A little background info, about a month ago I had this prayer that I could swear was a true desire of heart...which the Bible tells us God will give us the desires of heart. But no matter how hard I prayed, sometimes even begged God while crying, this prayer was not being answered. Eventually, I became bitter and really hurt. I thought that God was ignoring me...just letting me suffer and feel pain, when I very well knew that He could change my situation. My frustration and sadness turned into bitterness and anger. I was acting like the epitome of a stubborn child that was turning away from my parent, just because I wasn't getting what I want...even though I could swear it was my desire to have it. I bottled all my feelings up, not talking about my struggles with Shea or anyone else. Oh, but I let God know how I felt about this. Sometimes I would have audible conversations with Him, telling how infuriated I was at Him. And every once in awhile (...okay, quite often), I would tell him I hated Him for not giving me what I wanted. It was that ugly, stubborn, little brat of a child coming out in me. Looking back on it, I tell myself "Wow, way to go Bonnie...way to act like an adult!" (:

The funny thing about this is, during all this time, I KNEW that what I was doing, how I was acting, and what I was saying was so wrong and was not at all how I actually felt. In fact, after I talked with God I would feel ashamed or embarrassed...feeling all over again, that little kid that just won't give up that stubbornness.

So, I went on being mad, thinking and feeling "boo-whoo, poor me". This whole time, Shea could tell something was wrong. He wasn't stupid and he knows me well! I STILL had a hard time telling him what I was struggling with, though...even when he confronted me about it, asking what was wrong.

It's funny how when you start drifting from God, or not relying solely on Him, things slowly start to take a turn for worst. My stress went through the roof, I was and still am having weird little health issues, my attitude was terrible, and I was practically picking fights with Shea. I was being so selfish and bitter, and I refused to ask God for forgiveness for my child-like behavior and admitting He is good...no matter what I'm going through. I also felt like the devil was using this bitterness and anger to make things worse. It's like I gave him an inch, and he decided to RUN away with a mile. I could tell he was feeding off of my sin, leaning into my bitterness and feeding me lies about how I must be right, my prayers must have been ignored. It got so bad, the sound of worship music and the thought of picking up my Bible made me turn the other way. I was pulling myself from God...and through it all I KNEW it was wrong and I desperately missed Him. So why am I having such a hard time turning to Him, praying to Him for relief of this bitterness and forgiveness for my child like behavior?

Finally, about a week ago, I had had enough. My stress was overwhelming, even though my situations were far from being the worst. Some things happened throughout the day, and I lost it. I could not contain myself, I was bawling my eyes out...trying to figure out how I could fix all these little things that seemed to be wrong. Shea said some pretty awesome things to me that morning. I told him a little bit what I had been struggling with, about how I was so angry with God and knew it was wrong and also knew that all these things were making me so stressed and sick because I wasn't giving them (or anything really) to God. I told him I knew that God as good, and that I didn't want to struggle with these things...but that I was just having such a hard time... Shea just sat me down and told me something that really stuck, that I've heard before but for some reason struck me this particular day. He said, "God can handle you being angry with Him, Bonnie. And He will always love you no matter how angry you think you may be. Everyone struggles at some point in time with God...and multiple times throughout their life, and someone who acts like they have it all together is lying!" It made me feel better...like "Okay, God...I know that you know I don't mean what I'm saying and you love me even though I'm acting stupid." Shea also encouraged me to talk to Keeley...about everything that had been going on.

So, that night Keeley came over...and I basically spilled my guts about everything I just wrote above. I cried and apologized over and over and told her how stupid I felt. The things she said really helped me start to get the ball rolling on moving forward towards God again. Keeley just told me everything  I was going through was okay...that it was learning the difference between "head knowledge" and "heart knowledge". She talked about how on Outreach she struggled with similar things, watching people in prostitution (both men and women) suffer daily and die spiritually...giving away their bodies literally. She talked about how she struggled and prayed to God "how can you be here, when all these people are going through SOO much crap, way beyond what I could have imagined? How can you let this happen, aren't you good God?" But what Keeley also told me was that God is justice and mercy...and they're married together perfectly. He hears us and sees us, and He HATES when we suffer. But He gave us free will, and there's sin in this world. We will never understand why things they way they do, but what we can understand is it will all play out to follow God's will, somehow.

Some of the other things Keeley shared with me was that as humans...we are far from having it all together. Throughout or conversation she would say things and share verses with me, and I would always say "yeah, I know that." She finally told me, "Bonnie, we always 'know' it...I thought 'knew' most of it going to YWAM. It's called being a tad-pole Christian. We have big heads and little bodies. All I had was head knowledge and when anyone who tried to talk to me while I was struggling I would say 'I know that'. Finally my leaders and classmates told me 'Yes Keeley, we know you know it.' It sucked to hear, but it was true. I didn't have much heart knowledge." I was doing the exact same thing to Keeley, I was passing what she was saying off with a "Yeah, I know that" when really I didn't know it in my heart or wasn't practicing very well. I also realized that what I thought was the desires of my heart weren't at all...and that God had a plan, and looking back I see that now. I thank God for the way things went regarding my very selfish prayer. I couldn't imagine it going any other way now that it's over. Funny how that works out, huh? (;

Well...that was way more background info than I expected to share (: Basically, I got my butt handed to me last week, and ever since, I've been on the mend with my relationship with God. I'm realizing that relying on God is hard...but so worth it, that heart knowledge is far better than head knowledge when lived out, and that God's justice and mercy is so much bigger than myself and I will struggle with understanding it but that's okay.

After Keeley and my conversation, we decided to read the Bible together. We picked Isaiah, and I'm really loving it. So many books give examples of justice and mercy married together, but so far Isaiah is doing the best job for me. God will bring justice to this world, but He also gives us these awesome promises of mercy and restoration...we just need Him. We can't do it by ourselves. And God wants us to be real with him...when I was telling God how angry I was with Him, I could picture Him saying, "Yep, get it all out Bonnie...okay, are you done yet? Because I want to show you what I actually have in store for you...because that's how much I love you." Isaiah 1:13 says "Stop bringing me your meaningless gifts; the incense of your offerings disgusts me!" Personally, that just says stop covering up your sins with these "easy-fixes". I had this great picture in my head after reading that verse of a gaping cut somewhere on my body, and me putting band aids over, thinking it would stop the bleeding. Yeah right...the only thing that is going to help a severe wound that size is going to true medical attention...stitches and all. Well, now imagine us thinking we could truly follow Christ and ask for forgiveness with half hearted prayers and good deeds when we thought necessary. That's what He was telling me in this verse, "Bonnie, give me yourself fully and stop thinking you can do this without me. I'm here ALL the time, for you...I love you that much."

I also had this awesome realization just on Tuesday night. I was typing a very vulnerable facebook status (I know, facebook...I'm so cool, NOT :) about what I've been struggling with, and how I was slowly starting to figure things out, and through it all about how much I have missed God and being truly personal with Him. He's called FATHER God for a reason. He's my Dad, my Daddy God (: At one point, I told Keeley "I miss God...its making me really sad right now that through this struggle I can't see His face or feel comfort from His physically touch." But she let me know, I can. Every time I touch Naomi or look at Kenneth, or anyone for that matter, I'm seeing and feeling God...because God created us perfectly in His image. We all have God in us. So while putting my feelings into words on Tuesday are started to picture Naomi falling and injuring herself, all the while I'm sitting off to the side watching her every move but letting her explore for herself. When she falls, she starts to cry and calls out to me. So, I do like I always do and tell her to come over to me and I'll make it all better. For a minute, she won't get up...she just sits there crying, but all I can do is wait, because I want her to make her own decision and come over herself. Finally she does, and I kiss the "owie" better. Even though the scratch is still there, I've comforted her and it was all her own decision to allow me to. Then , it hit me...it's the same with God. He's my Dad, watching over me, never far. When I struggle, He's just waiting for me to call to Him. He's given us free will and He's going to allow us to go our own way even though I could have scooped Naomi up, He could intervene at any moment...and sometimes He does.

God is the ultimate parent. When I'm angry with Him, He takes it and when I realize how stupid I was acting, He still loves me and takes me in regardless of my faults...just like I will always love Naomi. It's amazing how God uses other people to teach us more about Him or bring us closer to Him.

Now that I've written a novel... (:
I just really wanted to share what I was going through...even if no one reads it. I feel like its helping me in this healing process. I'm reading with Keeley, I'm not driven in the opposite direction when I hear worship music, and I feel myself drawing nearer to God and not feeling sad anymore. I feel inspired, and I feel myself starting to discern between "head knowledge" and "heart knowledge"...and it's awesome.
God amazes me...mouth-to-the-floor, its-always-been-right-in-front-of-me amazes me. (:

My verse that I've been really holding on to this week:
"Jesus looked at them intently and said, "Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God." Mark 10:27 NLT