Outrageous.

It's funny how seeing things from a different perspective can completely change everything you THOUGHT you knew. Shea & I started a small group with some of our youth students, and we're going to be going through the book The Barbarian Way by Erwin Raphael McManus. To get ahead of the game, I've been reading it, underlining things that stood out to me that I want to bring up to students when we all read it together. But instead, it's been knocking me on my butt, challenging me.
When I thought that I would be brushing up on some "points" for my students, I've actually been convicted to be better, to stop being a hypocrite (to put it plainly).

If you're not familiar with the book, it's all about living out the true call of Jesus, living out barbaric faith. There's so much that goes into it, but at the same time it's so simple... Loving God and people outrageously, and being willingly and ready to give everything up for the sake of furthering God's kingdom. It's not being afraid to go against the norm and be for the outrageous. Even further, its not belonging to Christianity, but to Christ, fully and wholeheartedly.

I have failed at this.

I'm sick of living in fear of judgement, persecution, suffering, and ultimately death. This stands for myself, but also for my loved ones. I cling so tightly to them, as if I could keep harm from them. I'm sick of thinking that I live this awesome and righteous life because I call myself a Christian, a follower of Jesus. Jesus spells pretty dang clearly that the cost of following Him, even being associated with following Him, is dangerous. In fact, He flat out says it in Matthew 10:16, "I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves." He tells us that as followers we will be persecuted, threatened, put to death...but it won't be for nothing.

What kind of example am I to the people around me, especially my children, when I don't live out the truly faithful life that I talk about? I'm a hypocrite...plain and simple. I want nothing to ever happen to my children and I pray constantly for their safety and protection...but I also want to raise them knowing that even in the darkest hours, that God has a bigger, greater plan that they're playing a part in. I love the line from the book "Some barbarians survive the night in the lion's den; others experience their darkest night and wake in eternity." (The Barbarian Way, pg. 41) It gave me these crazy, adrenaline-rush chills and goose bumps, the kind you get right before and right after jumping off a 2-3 story cliff into a lake or pool below, seeing everyone else do it but not actually experiencing the rush until you do it yourself. This doesn't mean that I WANT to die, but it does mean that if my journey with Christ ended in my death because I chose to live outrageously for Him, then I pray to God that I choose to remain absolutely faithful. And I want that same thing for my children as well, as absolutely heartbreaking it is to me to think of. But I know that if God's love is so great that even as a mother I can't fathom it, I know that He has the greatest plan for their lives, and not one minute of it will go wasted if they choose to live barbarically.

I know that saying that I'm going to live out the true call of Jesus, unleashing and living out raw and untamed faith (the kind that the Pharisees couldn't understand, the kind that religious people consider reckless and sometimes outright wrong) means that I'm allowing myself to be used by God. It means allowing myself to be used in ways that may seem unfair, dangerous and sacrificial. But isn't that what I should be willing to give up? Jesus was tortured and DIED on the cross for me...couldn't the least I do is live in a way that every part of me is on fire for Him, constantly passionate and ready to fight for the heart of my God?

This realization that I've come to, to live a life for Christ that can be and is not secure, not safe, not fair, to love Him and each and every person He's created in the hope of them coming to love Him in return, with outrageous faith, is still a very scary thought for me. It's going to be a daily battle for me to wake up in the morning and say to God "Okay, no matter what happens, I know that you've made me a promise, and you will always keep that promise. I will practice child-like faith, I am choosing to be a warrior, a barbarian for Christ in every aspect of my life." Some days, I'm going to fail....but I will always try to come back and fuel a fire for Christ, live it out, and remain truly faithful, even in the darkest moments...